I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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