Don't make out with my wife yet
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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