I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She announced her abortion via fbk
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
