Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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