I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I looked at my own cervix.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
