genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
