Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
