well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I am full of burrito and curiosity
organizing the empties. That sober.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
