now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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