I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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