There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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