I want to walk on stilts...naked
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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