I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Drunk is not a location!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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