I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
