i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
