She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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