I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
