I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i barfeds in our rink
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I think your dad took our porno
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
