Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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