He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
