So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
