I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
