Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
What a dumb baby whore.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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