Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Randomize
