So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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