he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
