3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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