there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
