I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
