Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
