You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Randomize
