Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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