Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
