So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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