he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
