he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
