Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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