how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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