dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
MIDGETS
????
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
