I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
