i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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