The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
