Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
