you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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