Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
