My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
