it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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