put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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