im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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