What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
